Some people write when they feel vulnerable.

I don't.

For me, simply saying things out loud or writing them down make reality seems a bit more real.
Especially when situations become less than desired, making them vocal or written seems so ... ... final.

I guess its a kind of ignorance, or on another note, a desperate grasp on faith.
Be it positive thinking or denial, it simply makes me a little more vulnerable to communicate weak phases of my life.

It is less of an ego concern than a self esteem injury.
For me, communicating those grey phases of life causes self confidence to haemorrhage profusely.
At any quantity, little or large, pride does strengthen such defences.

I am not very sure why I closet all these downs.

Maybe its the choice of not wanting to be judge. As I've learnt, some people are very quick with their opinions.
Some are keen to share their opinions or comments with others, it does not matter if anyone requested for them.
Some others are simply waiting for you to screw up, because life is just a little unfair to them if its too perfect for you.
Others are just simply excited. Afterall, it is either juicy or simply funny when it happens to others than to oneself.
Life's too short to deal with drama, I say.
On the other hand of judgement, I find it laughable how the community today utilises a "maximum of 140 words" to create first impressions.
The practicality concerns are understood, but isn't this the root of most problems?
Probably it works in a paradigm that I live in but am so unfamiliar with.
Where "recognised" and "formatted" self presentation are more suitable to the palettes today.
For all I know, guys are picking girls up with a, "Hi, my name is XXX, I look good on paper! *wink*."

Maybe I feel I need to be stronger for those who might or might not worry for me.
For I for one do not know how to handle compassion or comfort.
Compliments are another awkwardness of mine.
Its the lack of knowledge upon handling the situation, where I feel stumped on how to express my gratitude.
Things become especially twisted in my mind if its gifted from those that are dear and loved.
I feel like I want to give them my hair if they say that its nice.

On another note, I find it curious but more frustrating that how comes the scope of love is so written, especially in the plot of my life.
Let's assume everyone has already digested love for the family, and love for the spouse. But what happens to love between friendships?
Does that not exist?
I find it very easy to tell my darling friends I love them, more for my sake than theirs.
Like other "I love you(s)" and "Love you lots", this is not casually used.

It is a different kind of love, but love nonetheless.

But why make friendships so clear cut? so careful? so doubtful?
From the pages of my book and the people around me,
it seems to easy to "demand" and "confirm" love from family and spouses, but so doubtful when in friendships.
"Love" can be so carelessly used.
But that's another blog entry.

No matter, this is not to say that my absence within my blog was due to grey clouds,
but undocumented pink clouds were also due to my life schedules.
You know, the good kind of busy, where one's schedule is so packed with accomplishments and activities that lead to them.

Before I lose the plot, I find it very difficult to communicate negativity.
In my eyes, grey phases become weaknesses. And these weaknesses eat me up inside,
eating my confidence quicker than the response rate of comfort.
It has always been me solving the problems, not the one having them.
And if I do talk about them, it is always after an acceptable plateau has been reached.

I guess I am superwoman.
I feel better when I'm superwoman.

I know I have people I can talk to, people I can confide in. But these are the people that I don't want to reveal self-doubt to.
How do you show vulnerability to someone who has been so proud of you? Wouldn't that break your heart?

Stubborn as I am, my defence is intensified by my impatience.
Grey clouds need to be sorted, and they need to be sorted now.
Delays are always a frustrating thing.
Then comes desperateness and hastiness.
Because superwoman don't have grey clouds that can't be blown away.
Because superwoman don't envy those who have sorted out their grey clouds.
Because superwoman NEVER feels helpless.

So how now brown cow?
How do I become invincible?
How do I change this cloud to pink?

Love, Cheryll

 

The daily decisions we face.

Le Sigh ~

 

 

after Daniel who had posted up his pictures...
and then Jean posted hers of the same event up on facebook...
I guess its about time I posted mine of the same event onto facebook as well..

I have no idea why.. but something always comes in the way when I need to upoad my pictures..
I actually do think that I may have the most uncoorperative camera in the world.
I blame it on my sony T100 that is being difficult.
(I probably gave it attitude when I decided to give it crystals)



either that.
or my camera just doesnt like me.

to upload pictures.. you need the memory card..
then there's the deal of needing the attachment thingymagic that comes with it so that it can be compatible to the SD slot..
and then there comes needing a computer or a pc which comes with a friggin SD slot.
and my home desk top does not have one...
and that stingy brother of mine is ever so protective of his "crappy" toys.. because i might "break" it..

people like me should not buy things which comes in loose parts..
one way or another those loose parts just get themselves lost into oblivion..
sometimes i cant even comprehend how is it even probable for me to loose certain things.
I can be so sure that I know where certain things are, yet when you look for it, it slaps you in the face going MIA.
if this keeps up i probably will loose my mind.
then again I probably already lost it. I just don't know it yet.

on another note. camera should come with bluetooth.
there.
how's that for an epiphany/brain storm..
all you sony/canon/camerapeople should cut me a slice of that cake
from that bluetooth camera idea you're leeching from this blog.

anyways, before I completely loose the plot, I'm suppose to post/blog on Chris's bday.

Meet my friend Chris.

Yes, the one with the blondie mohawk.

This picture never fails to crack me up.
I mean really crack me up. It leaves me laughing in stitches every. single. time.
Even now I'm typing between gasps of breath taken in between howling laughs while slapping the table.

So we decided to give Chris a surprise birthday dinner.
Jean has sorted out the guests, my only job was to bring that blondie to the designated location.

And as usual, we showed up almost an hour late.
And I promise, its is *cough*almost*cough* NEVER MY FAULT!
Chris is more of a woman then he really lets anyone know.

Jean: How did you get Chris here without him knowing??
Cheryll: I told him I wanted to eat cake.
Jean: Seriously?!?

Seriously.
It wasn't that hard.

Cheryll: Chris I want to eat cake.
Chris: oh ok.
*arrives at deli'cious*
PwCians: SURPRISE!!

tadaaaa~!
Its easier to communicate with someone with less braincells than I do.
It feels...empowering.

Then again, I almost blew it too, I didnt know that there were TWO Deli'cious in Bangsar Village!
One Deli' cafe in BVI , the other Deli'cious inBVII.
Everyone was waiting in BVII.

Chris: Let's go this one.
*points to the wrong Deli' cafe in BVI, that blondie had to park right in front of the cafe!*
Cheryll: No I wanna go to the other one.
Chris: Why? its the same? the food will be the same!
Cheryll: No it's different!
Chris: Why??
Cheryll: the other one has blue wallpaper.
Chris: ...*gives Cheryll that "are-you-for-real-look"*

Yes, tiffany blue wall paper does make food taste better.

Anyways, here are the pictures from the night (more on facebook).


Ahh the lovely people of PwC.
I'm trully glad I've gotten myself into this batch.
I owe it to Japan. I owe Japan so much.

I found a new best friend.
And ladies whom I would love for life.
Shame Ishya isn't in that picture.
If you knew her you would lover her too. In all the right ways.
Everytime she speaks I get this imaginary powerpuff girl theme song and sprays of rainbows and candy canes coming from the background..
You know, a one sentence mention does not really capture my impression of these ladies.
Maybe one day I'll blog about these entry worthy ladies.

The lads.


Rachel and Cheryll, I love her clothes!
One day I'm going to kidnap her wardrobe, try it on and then put it back...


AlchoTeen, DruggieChris, AlchoJo, SweetySue, Simsim and Dannyboy.


The birthday boy.

Chris is one of those guys who tries so hard,
I mean really really hard to take a decent picture,
but somehow ends up looking like a deprived drug addict.

Hence us doing the ChrisKok pose.


Everybody this is Steven.

Everyboy say hi to Jean.



Jean gets a bigger picture because i like her better.

And this is how auditors look like.





And this is Steven being Jean and Jean being Steven.


I guess it is true what she said.
When me and Mel are together, we bring out the worst in each other.
we are so alike we give you a migrain.

We made Steven and Jean do all these poses for the camera.
From demure to tigress. And then we got creative.. very creative.

Melissa: ooh ooh!! Steven you're the HK biggest triad boss whom is secretly gay.
And Jean you be the daughter of his worse enemy but is secretly in love with him!

Cheryll: ooh ooh! I've got another! Steven you be the German apple thief and Jean you're the milkmaid!!

Melissa: I got a better one!! Steven you're the pole an Jean you're the pole dancer!

Cheryll: nono! Steven you be the hot dog and Jean you be the hot dog bun!!!

Steven and Jean: .....*insert wtf look*.....

Jean and Steven were good sports and did the HK triad pose.


 I can't remember laughing so hard in a long time.
You know the type where you laugh so uncontrol-bly you get this splitting stitch on your side.
that you need gasps of breath and you're sweating by the time you calm down.

Yes , that kind of laugh.
Thnk you so much Daniel for taking this photo!!

Dannyboy and CheekyCherie.

Simsim and Rachel

MelNgiam and TwoElles.


This is how AlchoTeen tells his drunken stories. Its all in the hands baby.

AlchoJo and Twoelles in the afterparty at Alexis.

Haapppee bday Chris!

~~~

Weijy! I know you would love these!

Its moments like these that I treasure,
moments in between these posed pictures,
moments that was too candid to be ready for the camera.

I had such a reassuring bonding session with my mom when i decided to bake chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies
I remember how she shrieked when she saw me torturing her porcelin bowl with the nice blue flowers
and how she shrieked again when i decided to leave the electric mixer on and sprayed batter at her.

Its moments like these I play again and again in my head.




Arent my peanut butter and chocolate cookies simply adorrrrrable??

Ps- I broke her crystal vase too.. buahahahhaha !!
not that breaking vases are funny..

---

 

~Sheltered~

Has it been raining?
Its been raining for a week she says.
I must have been sleeping.
What have I been doing?
Was I not awake in the afternoons?

At least I think I was.
 I was probably indoors. Sheltered.

What happened to my sunny afternoons? What happened to running from the rain?
Its hot at the equator they say.
Really? I never thought it was that hot.
I was probably indoors. Sheltered.


I busied myself with chores today..
Sorting out paperwork that were placed on a pedestal by people who obeyed them, but didnt understand them.
I guess they were busy being indoors too. Sheltered.



What a raining day.
Yet, would it matter?
You're going out now,
But you'd probably be indoors anyways. Sheltered.



Do you remember your last time outside?
Unsheltered?

~~~