Some people write when they feel vulnerable.

I don't.

For me, simply saying things out loud or writing them down make reality seems a bit more real.
Especially when situations become less than desired, making them vocal or written seems so ... ... final.

I guess its a kind of ignorance, or on another note, a desperate grasp on faith.
Be it positive thinking or denial, it simply makes me a little more vulnerable to communicate weak phases of my life.

It is less of an ego concern than a self esteem injury.
For me, communicating those grey phases of life causes self confidence to haemorrhage profusely.
At any quantity, little or large, pride does strengthen such defences.

I am not very sure why I closet all these downs.

Maybe its the choice of not wanting to be judge. As I've learnt, some people are very quick with their opinions.
Some are keen to share their opinions or comments with others, it does not matter if anyone requested for them.
Some others are simply waiting for you to screw up, because life is just a little unfair to them if its too perfect for you.
Others are just simply excited. Afterall, it is either juicy or simply funny when it happens to others than to oneself.
Life's too short to deal with drama, I say.
On the other hand of judgement, I find it laughable how the community today utilises a "maximum of 140 words" to create first impressions.
The practicality concerns are understood, but isn't this the root of most problems?
Probably it works in a paradigm that I live in but am so unfamiliar with.
Where "recognised" and "formatted" self presentation are more suitable to the palettes today.
For all I know, guys are picking girls up with a, "Hi, my name is XXX, I look good on paper! *wink*."

Maybe I feel I need to be stronger for those who might or might not worry for me.
For I for one do not know how to handle compassion or comfort.
Compliments are another awkwardness of mine.
Its the lack of knowledge upon handling the situation, where I feel stumped on how to express my gratitude.
Things become especially twisted in my mind if its gifted from those that are dear and loved.
I feel like I want to give them my hair if they say that its nice.

On another note, I find it curious but more frustrating that how comes the scope of love is so written, especially in the plot of my life.
Let's assume everyone has already digested love for the family, and love for the spouse. But what happens to love between friendships?
Does that not exist?
I find it very easy to tell my darling friends I love them, more for my sake than theirs.
Like other "I love you(s)" and "Love you lots", this is not casually used.

It is a different kind of love, but love nonetheless.

But why make friendships so clear cut? so careful? so doubtful?
From the pages of my book and the people around me,
it seems to easy to "demand" and "confirm" love from family and spouses, but so doubtful when in friendships.
"Love" can be so carelessly used.
But that's another blog entry.

No matter, this is not to say that my absence within my blog was due to grey clouds,
but undocumented pink clouds were also due to my life schedules.
You know, the good kind of busy, where one's schedule is so packed with accomplishments and activities that lead to them.

Before I lose the plot, I find it very difficult to communicate negativity.
In my eyes, grey phases become weaknesses. And these weaknesses eat me up inside,
eating my confidence quicker than the response rate of comfort.
It has always been me solving the problems, not the one having them.
And if I do talk about them, it is always after an acceptable plateau has been reached.

I guess I am superwoman.
I feel better when I'm superwoman.

I know I have people I can talk to, people I can confide in. But these are the people that I don't want to reveal self-doubt to.
How do you show vulnerability to someone who has been so proud of you? Wouldn't that break your heart?

Stubborn as I am, my defence is intensified by my impatience.
Grey clouds need to be sorted, and they need to be sorted now.
Delays are always a frustrating thing.
Then comes desperateness and hastiness.
Because superwoman don't have grey clouds that can't be blown away.
Because superwoman don't envy those who have sorted out their grey clouds.
Because superwoman NEVER feels helpless.

So how now brown cow?
How do I become invincible?
How do I change this cloud to pink?

Love, Cheryll